Aimless shuffling, unquenchable rage and no goal scoring have prompted Vancouver health officials, those remaining anyway, to request a meeting with the Vancouver Canucks to see if they have been infected by the rage virus or are, in fact, undead.
With recent events in California, many are speculating they the Canucks are in fact zombies. They point to the incident in 2011 with Alex Burroughs biting the finger of Patrice Bergeron during the first game of the Stanley cup final as being a possible first indicator. Another, this picture from a couple seasons back of Canuck players devouring a linesman.
More recent events have further strengthened their argument. A picture of Canucks coach John Tororella yelling at a referee bears a striking resemblance to the dark seeker from the movie I Am Legend.
Additionally, the Canucks seem to be wandering around aimlessly, often doing more damage to themselves than their opponents are. Note the four goals against in three games put in off Canuck players.
The Anaheim game resulted in a complete shelling of the Canucks and ended with a 9 – 1 score in favor of the Ducks. If that game ended with a scene from a movie, it might look like the picture below with the red hot Ducks running the Canucks out of town a la 28 Days Later.
Fortunately, there is still a lot of hockey left before the end of the season. Provided the Canucks haven’t been riddled with the rage or T viruses, there is still a chance for the boys to right the ship and get back to their winning ways.
Torts is the coach and is charged with righting said ship. One piece of advice. There is no shame in seeking out help.
Might we suggest a new assistant
ass kicker coach by the name of …
She’s motivational, able to deal with any outbreaks, and brings with her a team of assistants that are so like her they could be considered clones. At this point, it couldn’t hurt!