Oh no. It’s here. The zombies are upon us. Run.
Does there seem to be a lack of urgency in my voice as I say those words?
I get it, zombies are bad, civilization is crumbling down, the threats of the undead are matched only by the threats of the living.
Starvation, disease, feral dogs and countless other ways to die horrible, painful deaths are around us every day.
But rather than focus on the negative all the time, I wish people would look at some of the benefits having the hordes of undead walking among us brings.
Now maybe it’s only because there haven’t been many attacks from the undead lately, or possibly it’s because we haven’t seen marauders in months and the crazies seem to have dispersed, but if I were to be perfectly honest and open, I’m finding this whole end of mankind thing to be not that bad.
Before you come at me about the billions dead, the rampant sickness and the other horrors inclusive of those above, let me explain.
I was scrounging through a local clearance outlet store a few days back and came across hundreds of DVD’s scattered on the floor. For kicks I fingered through them and saw that most were old 80’s movies, not the good ones, and romantic comedies. As I rifled through those movies looking for any it might be worth firing up the generator for I realized that I hadn’t had to sit through a crappy movie since the apocalypse began.
You see before that first incident, that whole thing on TV that really blew this zombie apocalypse wide open, I was just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love me. Yeah, that’s a play on the line from that movie, you know the one. That romantic comedy with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts and why the HELL couldn’t the dead have risen BEFORE I had to sit through that bloody film!?!
Long story short, thinking about how grateful I was that I hadn’t had to sit through another filmmakers attempts to inject feels into me, I began to reflect on some other unexpected benefits of our current situation. Here are a few off the top of my head. If you are alive, have access to a device that can connect to the internet, can find internet access and finally you have chanced upon this site and aren’t crazy, let me know some of the reasons you are grateful for the zombie apocalypse.
Reason #5. No More Mall parking.
I used to hate the mall, more accurately, I used to hate driving to the mall and parking there.
For some reason, if you put a bunch of people together in a place to shop through dozens or even hundreds of stores, they get stupid. And no where does it show more than in the mall parking lot. There are only two directions you can drive in a parking lot, up or down the aisle. So people drive down the middle and look at you like you are some kind of moron for being in their way as you are on your side. Also, it’s a pretty simple concept. One car, one stall. Hey little old lady, why are you still driving that 1982 Cadillac that you’ve had since 1982. It won’t fit and you can’t turn down the aisle anyway! Oh look, another Ed Hardy wearing douche driving an extended Yukon that has been lowered and who deliberately parks across three stalls because his shit is fo realz, yo! And if the idiots behind the wheel were not enough, you’ve almost run over some teenage princesses taking selfies so they can tell the world they are in a parking lot going shopping for this awesome top that they could just die for. You were crossing where cars drive while you smiled into the camera and you nearly died!!!
Need a moment to lower my heart rate.
Ok, this leads me to the next reason I am actually grateful for the zombie apocalypse.