So you’ve hit up all the clubs, the gyms, libraries and even a couple of prisons and you still can’t find a survivor to spend Valentine’s Day with because everyone in them are dead. Don’t fret, you really aren’t alone.
In the year before the apocalypse hit it was estimated that there were 107 million single people over the age of 18 in the United States. While it’s obviously impossible to get a truly accurate number now that communications have fallen and it can take weeks or even months to get from town to town avoiding zombies, etc, we are reasonably confident that there are easily 7 to 12 single people you will meet before you get bitten or die from disease or malnourishment.
Until you find that special single someone, there are 5 tips after the fold to get you through this Valentines day.
1. Clean Your Guns
That’s right, our first tip for surviving Valentine’s Day alone is to buck up, clean your guns and stay alive. Yes, you are alone, but it could be worse. You could be dead or heaven forbid, undead. This Valentine’s don’t focus on the negative but focus on staying alive. When you do find that special someone think how impressed and doting he will be when you reveal yourself after having survived months alone fending off the undead and roving gangs of marauding survivors. Nothing says sexy to a man than a woman rocking a 12 gauge shotgun while stealing his food and then letting him live to serve her!
2. Eat Chocolate
Before the fall of man, nearly 36 million heart shaped chocolate boxes sold at Valentine’s Day. Among the reasons for this huge number of sales is the belief that chocolate is an aphrodisiac. Chocolate contains two chemicals, the first is Tryptophan which is a brain chemical linked to sexual arousal and Phenylethylamine, a stimulant which is released in the brain when people fall in love.
This is all well and good, but how does this help the single survivor during Valentine’s day? Ok the whole aphrodisiac thing probably doesn’t help, but chocolate is also one of the great mood enhancers. Pre-pocalypse … it’s a new word I’m trying out, thoughts? Ahem … Pre-pocalypse it’s a well known fact that those suffering from depression, loneliness or heart break often took comfort in eating chocolates. Often by the pound, while watching romantic movies and usually weeping. We highly recommend taking some time and just letting it all out. Eat that chocolate. You deserve it. Watch the Notebook, have a good cry and get it out of your system. Ladies, this tip is for you as well.
3. Find A Department Store Mannequin
A young artist, searching for his vocation, makes a mannequin so perfect he falls in love with it. Finding the mannequin in a store window, he gets a job there and his creation comes to life.
This is freaking perfect. Think of all those times you went foraging in clothing store after clothing store and saw all those mannequins just sitting there. One of them could be your perfect mate! Think back to that prophetic movie I Am Legend. Will Smith had a whole neighbor hood of mannefriends … Ok I am on fire with these new words! … that gathered at the local video store discussing movies and fashion. Your perfect match could be in the clearance section of Wal-Mart right now waiting for you!
4. Fake it
You’ve got two options here. First, on the off chance you have a fellow survivor you are in contact with who is single, but whom you just don’t hit it off “that way,” get together and fake it. Get together and go out on the town like you are a couple. Depending on how many survivors your town has, they will probably never know you aren’t really a couple and they will most likely be so lost in each other that they won’t notice you anyway.
Your second option, and this is actually kind of fun too, go out with your invisible date. When you get to the restaurant, start with a “My date will arrive shortly,” then when the waiter starts to get uncomfortable stand up and kiss your imaginary date like they just walked it. Order them drinks and dinner and have a lovely conversation with them, preferably loud and about how much in love you are. Take it to the next level by excusing yourself to go to the washroom, then finding the maitre’d and giving him a ring to be brought out with champagne for your proposal. After that, whether your date accepts or turns you down doesn’t matter, just have fun with it.
Done right, and assuming you are packing a large shotgun or sword this level of crazy fake it fun will often get your meal for free as no one wants to collect from the crazy person!
5. Take it
Finally, if you are truly desperate and have found someone but they are with someone else, these days who is really going to judge if you call that someone out to assist you with something after having let a zombie or two in their back door to eat their spouse.
Remember, start off being very consoling before you offer to bring him/her back to your place, which is obviously way more secure. Look, a survivor’s got to do what a survivor’s got to do!