Scientists have discovered a new species of zombie and the outbreak came in the form of a delicious Vanilla Bean Mocha Frappuccino…with a kick. 60 shots of kick actually.
Andrew Chifari is a Texas resident and loyal Starbucks customer. So loyal in fact that as a gold member he had earned himself a free drink after having previously bought 12 because with their program, your 13th drink is free. And if you’ve bought a single drink from Starbucks lately, you know you need to be pretty
loaded loyal to buy 11 more.
Together with the most generous barista ever, Chifari concocted the idea of creating a drink that would surpass the previous record for most expensive Starbucks drink which clocked in at just over $47.
That drink held a paltry 48 espresso shots, a number surpassed by Chifari’s 60 shot behemoth that also had mocha, caramel and hazelnut drizzle with a little protein powder thrown in.
Having taken 5 days to finally drink this $54.75 monstercinno … frappuzoid … we’ll work on the catchy name … it was briefly believed that he may have exploded from the caffeine. He has since been spotted in his home town causing some to speculate that he is now a member of the undead because, 60 shots of espresso.
To quote a local we didn’t actually get a quote from, “No way that cat lived. That had to kill him, but the caffeine won’t let him rest.”
Other locals report Chifari can now be spotted leading a horde of the undead … or reporters trying to get a story, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
Zombie apocalypse survivors around the world are being infected by the Sexagintuple Vanilla Bean Mocha Frappuccino virus as it seems to be spread by we guys are dumb and word of social media. That’s like word of mouth, only with pictures and cool memes and likes and girls making duck faces.
Government officials were initially concerned at the rapid spread of this new virus until it was discovered that since this outbreak began, productivity has gone up on a national level by nearly ten thousand percent.
“Of course we want to protect those citizens who have survived the zombie apocalypse so far,” said one fictitious official, “but on the flip side having super caffeinated masses around makes cleaning up after zombie hordes a little easier.”
Vibrators, as those who have been infected are starting to be called, should not be confused with Walkers or other types of undead. Vibrators are non violent, can be taken anywhere and are being welcomed into women’s homes nationwide. Because they never tire of doing chores you dirty …. geez. In comparison, all other forms of undead are limited in that all they do is eat you. It’s highly recommended you don’t bring those ones home.
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