Safe Sleeping During The Zombie Apocalypse

In the new world, sleep is still required, but harder than ever to get.  Unless you are blessed to be part of a community that is very secured and vigilant you most likely feel as the rest of us do.  Dangerously tired all of the time.

So when you can’t delay it any longer and before you collapse from exhaustion, follow these few steps to help minimize the risk of catching a couple of Z …ooo bad choice o words, I should have said winks.

Army of the Damned | Art by Ryan Pancoast

1. Sweep the bedroom.  Be thorough.  If you are in a room, make sure every closet, nook and cranny are cleared.  Baby zombies can hide in the smallest of places, as could one that’s been cut in half.  If outdoors, check the entire area from top to bottom.  Then, check it again.  The worst thing you can imagine is having some undead schmuck pop out of a cupboard in the middle of the night, well behind your defensive line.  This can cause the best laid plans to go sideways and people get hurt when things go sideways.

2. Know your doors  Have it clear in your head what to do and where to go.  This should be applied to anyplace new you enter, not just for sleeping.  You don’t want to wake up confused and disoriented and run the wrong way into the arms of the oncoming horde.  Be crystal on all access points and options.  Avoid sleeping in areas with only one entrance when possible, but remember as well, the more access points, the more opportunity for zombie breaches.  Balance safety with necessity.  And remember, a door isn’t always a door.  You can go through windows, holes, ducts, etc.  In fact, that can work in your favor.  If your exit is easy for you but hard for the zombie chasing you, you’ll gain valuable time towards your escape.

3. Take turns.  Assuming you aren’t alone, take turns with whomever you are with to ensure you always have someone on watch.  That someone should be reliable and trustworthy as your life is depending on them.  In this chaotic time, you often have to partner with whomever you run into so as always, adapt to your situation.  If you can build that rapport, it’s a good feeling waking up during a zombie apocalypse fresh faced and rosy cheeked because your partner stood guard.  Just make sure to return the favor.

4. Never use a zipped up sleeping bag.  Never, ever go to sleep in a zipped up sleeping bag.  Yes, they keep you warm, but countless people have fallen victim to waking up with a zombie trying to gnaw through the chewy cover to get to the juicy brain toting human inside.  Sleeping bags are hard to get out of quickly and your options effectively become none if suddenly surprised by the undead.  Arms and legs are restricted so both fight and flight are ruled out.  Sleeping bags should only be used unzipped and as a blanket.  And stay away from snuggies.  If you are reading this from the international space station, we thank you for your service, but you are screwed if this gets up there!

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5. No pills.  Look, we know it’s tough to get to sleep these days with all the stress we’re under, but you need to stay sharp.  Pop a sleeping pill and by the time your companion wakes you, you’ve already lost half an arm and are looking forward to a lifetime of monosyllabic conversation and a steady diet of gross.  Cut back on the caffeine before it’s your turn to sleep, re-read that book you’ve got stashed for the 37th time, whatever it takes to wind you down.  Just don’t medicate.  You need to be ready to go in a moments notice.

There is never any guarantee that when you lay you down to sleep, the zombies won’t come get your feet.  But better your chances of waking up tomorrow by using some common sense, following these rules, working together as a team and maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it.

 

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