Video and reports are leaking out of a new Star Wars Satellite Zombie Defense System being tested by the Canadian government in Alberta. In the video a truck is seen driving on a highway outside of Tofield, Alberta when it is struck by what appears to be a zombie killing laser fireball shooting down from the sky.
Further investigation revealed that the highway was straight, the truck was traveling at a reasonable speed in a straight line and was in the correct lane.
As Canadians outside of the province know, there is no way an Albertan is driving on a straight highway, in a straight line, at a reasonable speed and in the correct lane. The only logical alternative is this was a government test of a new satellite zombie defense system using a non-Albertan driver.
When taking a closer look at the video, the scenario becomes clear. A zombie apocalypse survivor is escaping the oncoming hoard. He enters his vehicle and immediately flees the area not realizing that an undead assailant is in the bed of his truck and is now attempting to break in through the rear window.
The driver, unable to shake the zombie from the vehicle, calls in for air support. Using G.P.S. tracking and satellite surveillance, the military pinpoints the vehicle factoring speed, direction and other variables.
Once targeted, the Star Wars Zombie Defense System fires on the vehicle with such precision that only the zombie attacker in the back of the vehicle is annihilated and the occupant is free to carry on. A government monitoring vehicle disguised as another Albertan driver not driving like an Albertan can be seen in the video following behind the test truck, presumably recording the events.
The original Star Wars defense plan was developed in the early 1980’s and was pushed by then U.S. President Ronald Regan. The Star Wars plan called for ground-based and space-based systems to protect the United States from attack by strategic nuclear ballistic missiles. The system was widely panned as unrealistic with many reporting the technology was still decades away. The system changed names over the following years as well as changing strategies and was never fully deployed. However many technological advancements were made from the research for these plans and were employed in other programs, leading no experts to think it has now been utilized in this new zombie defense program.
No official government statement has been released at this time regarding the testing that occurred, nor would anyone speak with us on camera regarding it. Off camera though, when we asked one government worker if this was in fact a Star Wars zombie defense system, he confirmed it all.
“Yes, you idiot, that’s exactly what it was. Don’t believe for a second that it was just a lightning strike during inclement weather, no it was a super secret zombie killing laser satellite powered by kittens,” he said before rolling his eyes and walking away. He could be seen shaking his head as he left, presumably due to the weight of carrying that secret being lifted off his shoulders.
We think the kittens comment was an attempt at throwing us off the story. More details as we have them.
View the full video HERE