In this time of crisis, you need to have the ability to look after yourself. We don’t have the luxury of running down the block to the family doctor or heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some Pringles and a flu shot. Your survival is dependent on your ability to adapt and survive so you need to prepare yourself.
In the event that you are bitten by a zombie, we have put together some important steps for you to follow. Learn these and memorize them. These steps have to come to mind instantly when you have been bitten because every second lost in treatment cuts your odds of survival in half.
1. Dispatch he who bit you: Nothing is more frustrating than being bit, hacking off your hand to save your life and realizing you forgot to kill the zombie bastard that bit you, which comes to mind as he bites your other hand. Now what? Save yourself some grief. Clear the threat, then move on to step two.
2. Open emergency bottle of alcohol and dispense the precise medicinal dosage of as much as you can pound down: While a beer funnel can significantly increase the rate of consumption, we don’t like this approach for two reasons. First, there is never a beer funnel around when you need one and you don’t want to waste time looking. Second, this could cause confusion as to which beverage to consume and baby, you don’t want beer. We suggest visiting your Uncle Jack Daniels or that crazy cousin from Mexico, Jose Cuervo. Now, the truly prepared would have some Bacardi 151 handy, but regardless, ensure you have the strongest alcohol you can find. And for goodness sake, don’t waste it on washing the area. You’re probably going to turn anyway so drink up!
3. Apply tourniquet: First, do you have any idea how many times I had to spell tourniquet before the little squiggly red line that tells you that you are illiterate went away. Second, do you have any idea how many times I had to spell illiterate … but I digress (1 time for digress.) Apply whatever you have as a tourniquet, be it your belt, bandana, arm off the sleeve of your shirt or this lovely Wine Inlaid Paisley Pashmina Wrap.
4. Bite down: Look, I am not going to lie to you. This is going to sting. You may tear up. You also want to make sure you protect those pearly whites that your parents spent $7000 getting you braces on and there is no way whatsoever you want those damaged. There won’t be many dentists around when this whole thing is over. Besides, if this whole stop the infection from coursing through your body thing doesn’t work out, you are going to want those chompers later, right? No point in being the one zombie running around gumming people.
5. Remove appendage: This is the fun part. We highly suggest having the proper tools. If solo, a machete or clever. In a pinch if you have someone with you, the old axe is always a good way to go. For style points and to earn extra XP, go with something like a Katana and rock a little Michone attitude while doing it. Having your friend bite the part off is NOT an acceptable technique (2).
6. When the screaming stops, survey for zombies attracted to the noise: You probably want to limit your groaning, wailing and moaning in addition to screaming. The undead really do have good hearing. Besides, you don’t want people to think you are a big baby, right?
7. Close wound: Stitches are nice, staples too. But let’s face it, even if you have thread and a needle, you don’t have the capacity to do precision work at this point. So here are a couple of alternatives. Duct tape is widely know for it’s keeping s##t together capabilities. It’s quick, can be applied with one hand and you look like a man when you bite it off. Another approach is the old sear the flesh technique. With this one, you apply incredibly hot instruments, like a knife blade or pan to the amputated area, effectively searing the wound close. If this is the approach you go with, you may wish to revisit step 4.
8. Wash up: Well, you made it this far and in all honesty, we weren’t sure you would. Seeing as how you now have a chance at survival, you may as well wash up. Get rid of all those bacteria and what not. You could use more alcohol to do this, but you may want to save that for step 9.
9. Self medicate: Now as with all things, moderation is key. You don’t want to be passing out and waking up to find more zombies gnawing (2 dammit) on your body bits. Pop a couple of Tylenol and down a couple of swigs to take the edge off.
10. Look for a blacksmith’s shop and a chain saw or machine gun: Depending on the appendage removed, locate the suitable replacement appendage and a place to customize it to fit. When recovered from step 9, it’s time to start planning ahead. You have this wonderful opportunity to now become part man, part death machine. Depending on which appendage has been lost, decide if you want to go chain saw or machine gun. We suggest chainsaw for hand and machine gun for leg.
11. Develop new catch phrase to match your new look: Groovy baby is already taken.
12. Exact vengeance on the zombie populace: You’ve survived the attack. Performed emergency surgery, been rebuilt as the ultimate zombie killing machine. Now it’s time to show the undead you mean business. And for goodness sake, be careful out there! You don’t want to go through this again.