US Joins Canada in Secret Star Wars Satellite Zombie Defense System Testing

lightningstrikeAs reported in June, the Canadian government has been conducting tests of a new Star Wars Satellite Zombie Defense System in Alberta.

We now have video proof courtesy of CNN that the United States government is working with the Canadians and is in fact conducting their own secret tests.

CNN is reporting that a man stood outside in a lightning storm, holding an electronic device to “take a picture.”  While doing so, he was struck by lightning and quite literally knocked out of his boots.

Experts we have spoken with, including everyone who has ever been outside in a lightning storm ever, say there is no way they would stand in the middle of a lightning storm and hold up anything metal, even in minute quantities like that of a camera.

It’s clear that the far more logical explanation is the Star Wars Satellite Zombie Defense System has become a joint venture between Canada and the United States.

We went to Rev. Right Guard, the creepy guy living in the antiperspirant aisle in whats left of the Wal-Mart in Surrey, BC, to get his perspective on the new system.  Rev. Guard may or may not have been in the military, but he wears camo gear all the time and we couldn’t find any other survivors locally who actually served, so Rev. Guard it is.

CNN is working closely with what’s left of the United States government,” says Rev. Guard.  “They don’t want the people to know how messed up things have become since the Zombies started apocalypsing.” His word, not ours.

“They edit the news to try and minimize panic, maximize remaining supplies and to help continue coordinating the zombie apocalypse efforts,” he adds before screaming “Double Mint, Poodle!!!” and scratching his bum.

He continues, “Obviously the government got to the man and convinced him to deny all military involvement.”  “It definitely makes sense that this is a military project,” he says, adding “No one in their right mind would stand in the open in a lightning storm.”  Strong words from a man in an intimate spiritual relationship with a loofah.

On that note, Rev. Guard holds services Sundays at the Church of the Celestial Loofah, located two aisles down and one over from the antiperspirant aisle.  Apparently clothing is optional and don’t worry about not having a place to sit as there is plenty of room.  It actually sounds like no one else has ever attended.

Further spectacular investigate journalism by the crack team has revealed what the United States has been working on prior to joining forces with the Canadian military.

A video posted to Youtube shows the U.S. Navy using a laser to shoot down a drone over the ocean.

While the U.S. system can definitely take out aircraft and the like, the Canadian system showed last month that they can pick off a single zombie on the back of a pickup truck that’s in motion, leaving the rest of the vehicle intact and unharmed.

This level of precision has been compared to maneuvering a starfighter through the meridian trench in the northern hemisphere of the Death Star and firing a proton torpedo into a small thermal exhaust port approximately 2 meters wide, no bigger than a womp rat.

Bringing these two systems together to create an even more formidable system has given a new hope to zombie hunters and survivors worldwide.






With the addition of the United States government in the project, it’s also being speculated by


that the U.S. Navy may incorporate their new Laser Attack System recently tested

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